I have been absent too long from my blog and I can’t decide what the reason is. It is not as my aunt guessed because I am pregnant. No, no, nononono. Do I protest too much? But seriously no babies here, just one toddler rapidly approaching boyhood.
As the same aunt asked, “How can you stand the cuteness?” To which I replied, “Seriously I almost can’t.” Seriously.
The real reason for my spotty performance is probably closer to what my mom’s friend said. That it has become an obligation to blog and just like any new thing it has lost some of its newness and therefore its appeal.
I have gone through phases of enjoying the blog and then seeing it as a duty and right now I think it is swinging closer to the latter. Some of the things going on in our lives right now are not things I want to talk about, but occupy a lot of my thoughts so it is hard to think of anything else to write.
One touchy topic is that our house has not sold yet. It is a hard thing to talk about because there isn’t really any advice anyone can offer that makes any difference. We surely want to sell our old house as soon as we can because two houses is no fun unless one of them is in Mexico or Colorado. And even then I am beginning to think that two mortgage payments weighs on your mind always. But the tricky part of all of it is that I still love that house. Our new house feels like our home, but that other one still feels like home too. It was our first home together and where we brought home our son. I stood in the doorway of the nursery and imagined what it would possibly be like to bring home our baby and I wept on the floor of that nursery when that baby didn’t sleep for more than three hours at a time for six months.
And of course the old house is filled with memories of our dog. Memories that will stay with that house because this house is filling with memories from life without a dog. That dog is doing well, by the way, attending book clubs, terrorizing a new neighborhood of squirrels and cats, and stealing warm, homemade cinnamon rolls off a new counter. I have started to think of Watson as Susie’s dog now which is wonderful and the pain of separating has subsided which is also wonderful. Life without him is better for us and life with Susie is better for him. Once we sell the house I will stop having to open the door and listen for his toenails on the tile in the kitchen and stop having the need to check the backyard to make sure I didn’t leave him out there. But then I won’t have those memories anymore and it is painful to think about being without them.
So, in other words, life is messy and complicated right now and there is no easy way out of the tricky bits.
But of course there is this:
and I understand why my mom was so pleased when she ordered a lapel pin that said, “meghan’s mom.” I know not to put my hope on him, or try to use him as a way to escape the messy parts of life, but I’m so thankful for him and every ounce of his being.
And now there is this:
little baby Bluma, my niece. And although I know that their lives are about to get…fantastically messy I am thankful that any of us get to be anyone’s parent. It feels great.